Confession: much harder than not having running water or electricity, is not having my family and friends that I have always relied on to share a laugh with.
Loneliness very well may be the most ferocious lion in my service. I have friends who are volunteers and they're great, they definitely get me smiling and thru the hard times. But the underlying question of, "would we be friends if we weren't all on this American boat in the middle of this turbulent Zambian ocean?" Always remains. And sometimes I can't help but miss the genuine friendships I've cultivated over the years of late nights and embarrassing moments.
In some ways its reassuring to feel that I do need the people from my past, and no one in my future can replace them. But sometimes I'm impatient and I would love to hear an old joke, a familiar song, or reminisce old stories together. Of course chatting online or on the phone helps me enliven those old connections, and for me, that's what sustains me. I need to have people who I have a history with, and I'm not constantly starting from chapter one with.
Peace corps is an interesting experience because its extremely temporary. Comparable to those round about doors, people are constantly leaving, only to be replaced by strangers. It leaves a hunger feeling in my stomach. So do I continue to make new friends with everyone and perfect my ability to say goodbye and promise to come sleep on someone's couch? Or do I pick a few I hope could be genuine, people I would pick out of a crowd in the US, and still, perfect my promise to come sleep on their couch, when they also inevitably leave? I guess this is the real world. This is how life feels when u don't live in the same house for 18 years, or even a comfortable college town for 5 years, at a time.
Ultimately of course I will continue to make new friends, its just my nature. But to my family and friends back home know that on lonely days I'm smiling to myself about our old memories and looking forward to future ones.
And I have to give a shoutout to my Zambian host family as always. I came home today after being gone for 3 weeks and was bombarded with their happiness to see me. My house was just as I left it and my cat was fat and happy, obviously having been well cared for. They even cooked chicken for dinner. And afterwards my sisters dived their hands into my hair to braid it will chatting away in nyanja. They are happy I'm here and I am too.
